I originally wrote this post in 2014 on Finding Chaya‘s predecessor, CounterCultural. CounterCouture. I’m re-sharing it today, with a few edits, because the idea of “drowning but not dying” has really been on my mind. I know that I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself and I suspect that some of you reading this will feel the same. It can feel like we are drowning underneath it all. While Katherine Welby-Roberts has a serious mental illness, which she unfortunately still suffers from, her words aren’t restricted just to people suffering from depression. I still find comfort in her original blog post.

Have you ever checked out A conglomerate of yodeling hippopotami? It is Katherine Welby Robert’s blog, the daughter of the Archbishop of Canterbury, where she discusses ‘the weird and wonderful nature of the world’. I follow Katherine on Twitter (@kwelbyroberts) but have only a few of her articles. The particular article, My God (here), tackles Katherine’s depression. As some of you may know, I have first hand experience of mental illness so Katherine’s article speaks volumes to me. So I would like to share a little bit of her article for those of you have been ‘drowning but not dying’.

Jesus himself felt forgotten by God whilst dying on the cross. The night before he died he despaired, and God didn’t save him. This idea that suffering is not something we bear, it is not temptation where we can choose what we do but is just what happens, seems to line up so much more clearly with my God.

My God, Katherine Welby-Roberts

My God doesn’t make my life ‘easier’, he doesn’t seem to want to take away the constant daily battering my brain seems to think I deserve. My God is the one who dives off the cliff to offer me his breath to breathe in the violence of the waves. He is the one who gives me the strength to swim just a little longer, the one who gives me the hope of land.

My God, Katherine Welby-Roberts

My God is not the God of the happy pill. He is the God who came to earth and bled, who felt what I have felt but so so much more. Who had relationship with God but allowed himself to be abandoned so that I never would be.

My God, Katherine Welby-Roberts

 Just like Katherine, I feel that many testimonies toady have to have a ‘happy ending’ yet mine doesn’t. My testimony ends with the realisation that I will struggle with suffering and temptation for the rest of my life, in a zillion different forms. Yet I have also realised that God is not a happy pill. I have allowed myself to begin accepting that not having a holy, happy life does not make me a failure.

If you can sympathise with anything in this article or Katherine’s, please know help is available. Katherine mentions one group that she has found helpful. I found selfharm.co.uk great for help and information. You can also text SHOUT on 85258. But please do find help.